hghwolf
Chicken Warlord
- Pronouns
- he/him
When I was a wee tot I came upon a book with a cool ass cowboy on the cover, and proceeded to read it; I discovered, to my despair, that cowboys were not involved but I kept reading anyway and fell in love with the setting and characters, despite the heavy Christian worldview bent, and devoured the entire series, as well as the Xanth books by the same author, voraciously.
Almost two decades, and the realization of some uncomfortable truths later, I decided that I would see how well they held up and hey, why not inflict the probable trashfire on my internet friends as well under the pretense of 'content' ?
I don't intend to keep any sort of schedule or go by chapters, rather by 'events' or whatever feels good to me, so it might end up being a bit of a mess, but nevertheless let me begin inflicting on you the first bit of the first book in the series, 'Riding a Pale Horse'.
--- Pages 1 to 12 ---
Riding a Pale Horse begins, as you say, in medias res with the presumed main character, Zane, looking at magic stones in a mall.
Yeah, it's that sort of setting.
Some pishposh is made about a 'death stone' which allows the holder to avert their own death, which notifies Zane of his impending death within hours, and how it is untestable and worthless, as you cannot test it without dying, and Zane feels very smart and logical about figuring this out despite the protestations of the shopkeeper.
Yeah it's that sort of protagonist.
The next stone under examination is a 'wealth stone' which detects unowned money in the vicinity, and we learn that Zane is dirt poor, so there is an obvious attraction to the thing for him, but it is passed over because he has no wealth with which to purchase it.
Seems familiar.
Eventually the uh... sales conversation turns to a so called 'Romance Stone', with which one can find their way to a romance and all you cleverclogs have already figured out where this is going. Zane and the shopkeeper work out a trade; Zane has a romance in his future, the shopkeeper doesn't and if he used the stone they'd all cease working for him anyway for some reason, so the deal is thus :
Zane will have the romance stone loaned to him and find the romance, the shopkeeper will swoop in and take it for himself, and in return Zane receives the wealth stone.
This book has a weird relation to predestination, and it'll only get stranger.
So Zane and the shopkeeper set out into the cloud mall - did I not mention the mall is a cloud ? Well it is - and take two flying carpets down to the city of Kilvarough which the mall is anchored above.
This city is not in Ireland.
We get some worldbuilding and discover that this is a world where Satan and God are known to exist, and the Devil has one hell of a presence and publicity department, largely in the sector of 'vices' of course, with a cute demon mascot duo named 'Dee&Dee', with Zane commiserating how it's all very attractive and that hell has its charms, despite the pitchforks and fire. We also learn that flying carpets are expensive, that inflation is the work of Satan and get a glimpse of the sort of ad Satan runs :
We also learn that there are literal sea-horses and air-horses now, which Zane intends to acquire once the wealth stone has brought him, well, wealth. Some words are spent on worldbuilding, such as how the cloud mall works (it's magic), but it's basically just a 'travel' scene.
Eventually we get this gem :
Yep. It gets better though. No I meant worse, sorry.
Implicit women as property and we're not even past the prologue and to the main conceit of the book. It's gonna be a ride, especially once we get to the female protagonists.
Either way, the 'trick' works and the shopkeep gets the girl who turns out to not only be 'comely' but also the heir to the 'Twinklestar' fortune and has invited her saviour for caviar and champagne.
It is here that Zane realizes he dun goofed, and is left behind with the wealth stone that he gave up romance AND luxury for, that he lacks the cash to even take the subway home and we learn that he has opinions about using an artifact like the wealth stone in the 'bad part' of town that they landed it. He also immediately figures that he doesn't need the girl and that once he's rich he'll be able to attract all sorts of women and even purchase several such as 'a compliant female android or a luscious magical nymph'.
You will be unsurprised to learn that Zane is white, pimply and has pretensions of being an artist, situating him comfortably in the 'absolute tool' region.
Next time : Capitalist ghost binding.
Almost two decades, and the realization of some uncomfortable truths later, I decided that I would see how well they held up and hey, why not inflict the probable trashfire on my internet friends as well under the pretense of 'content' ?
I don't intend to keep any sort of schedule or go by chapters, rather by 'events' or whatever feels good to me, so it might end up being a bit of a mess, but nevertheless let me begin inflicting on you the first bit of the first book in the series, 'Riding a Pale Horse'.
--- Pages 1 to 12 ---
Riding a Pale Horse begins, as you say, in medias res with the presumed main character, Zane, looking at magic stones in a mall.
Yeah, it's that sort of setting.
Some pishposh is made about a 'death stone' which allows the holder to avert their own death, which notifies Zane of his impending death within hours, and how it is untestable and worthless, as you cannot test it without dying, and Zane feels very smart and logical about figuring this out despite the protestations of the shopkeeper.
Yeah it's that sort of protagonist.
The next stone under examination is a 'wealth stone' which detects unowned money in the vicinity, and we learn that Zane is dirt poor, so there is an obvious attraction to the thing for him, but it is passed over because he has no wealth with which to purchase it.
Seems familiar.
Eventually the uh... sales conversation turns to a so called 'Romance Stone', with which one can find their way to a romance and all you cleverclogs have already figured out where this is going. Zane and the shopkeeper work out a trade; Zane has a romance in his future, the shopkeeper doesn't and if he used the stone they'd all cease working for him anyway for some reason, so the deal is thus :
Zane will have the romance stone loaned to him and find the romance, the shopkeeper will swoop in and take it for himself, and in return Zane receives the wealth stone.
This book has a weird relation to predestination, and it'll only get stranger.
So Zane and the shopkeeper set out into the cloud mall - did I not mention the mall is a cloud ? Well it is - and take two flying carpets down to the city of Kilvarough which the mall is anchored above.
This city is not in Ireland.
We get some worldbuilding and discover that this is a world where Satan and God are known to exist, and the Devil has one hell of a presence and publicity department, largely in the sector of 'vices' of course, with a cute demon mascot duo named 'Dee&Dee', with Zane commiserating how it's all very attractive and that hell has its charms, despite the pitchforks and fire. We also learn that flying carpets are expensive, that inflation is the work of Satan and get a glimpse of the sort of ad Satan runs :
IOI1 said:Inflation affected everyone uncomfortably, as it was intended to; it was, of course, a work of Satan, who campaigned perpetually and often halfway successfully to make Hell seem better than Earth. Sure enough, the thought brought the reality: a Satanic road sign series, each sign staked to a small, stationary cloud:
SEE THIS OUTFIT? DON'T YOU SCOFF! YOU KNOW WHERE SHE TAKES IT OFF!
What followed was a life-size billboard painting of a truly statuesque young woman in the process of disrobing.
We also learn that there are literal sea-horses and air-horses now, which Zane intends to acquire once the wealth stone has brought him, well, wealth. Some words are spent on worldbuilding, such as how the cloud mall works (it's magic), but it's basically just a 'travel' scene.
Eventually we get this gem :
IOI1 said:The carpet ahead of him faltered. At the same time, the Love stone flashed brilliantly. Zane had to brake suddenly to prevent his carpet from rear-ending the one ahead.
"Hey, what the-?" he grunted.
He saw that a young woman was riding the other carpet and he did not think much of female riders.They tended to change their minds without adequate warning, as in this case, and that was dangerous in mid-air.
Yep. It gets better though. No I meant worse, sorry.
IOI1 said:The woman's carpet wrinkled, sagging under her weight. It began to drop. She screamed in terror.
Suddenly Zane realized what was the matter: the spell had failed! It shouldn't have, as this was a truly elegant, expensive carpet, but quality control had been deteriorating everywhere recently.
His eye was momentarily distracted by the blue light before him. The Love stone was shining like a miniature star.
"Mine!" the Pottage proprietor cried.
Implicit women as property and we're not even past the prologue and to the main conceit of the book. It's gonna be a ride, especially once we get to the female protagonists.
Either way, the 'trick' works and the shopkeep gets the girl who turns out to not only be 'comely' but also the heir to the 'Twinklestar' fortune and has invited her saviour for caviar and champagne.
It is here that Zane realizes he dun goofed, and is left behind with the wealth stone that he gave up romance AND luxury for, that he lacks the cash to even take the subway home and we learn that he has opinions about using an artifact like the wealth stone in the 'bad part' of town that they landed it. He also immediately figures that he doesn't need the girl and that once he's rich he'll be able to attract all sorts of women and even purchase several such as 'a compliant female android or a luscious magical nymph'.
You will be unsurprised to learn that Zane is white, pimply and has pretensions of being an artist, situating him comfortably in the 'absolute tool' region.
Next time : Capitalist ghost binding.